• I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No Pain, no pain.

• I am in shape. Round is a shape....

• Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

• I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

• Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in the car he sticks his head out the window.

• Have you ever noticed - - - anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

• I have six locks on my door all in a row.. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

• A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. “You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone. “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.”

• Future historians will be able to study in the Gerald Ford Library; the James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.