No More Children - Please!!!

After having their 11th child (Pocahontas Brittany Laudrup Knox), a Glesga couple decided that enough wiz enough because they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a firework banger available from most Govan corner shops all year round, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The Glesga Ned in the Barry Ferguson parlance said to the doctor, "Ah might no be the smartest tool in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv any mair weans."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" ..... At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure is available on the NHS, by the way, and works in Paisley Milton, Barrachnie, Garthamlock, Clydebank, Larkhall, Caldercruix, Shettleston, Bishopbriggs, Carmyle, and Barlanark.