Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of "ASYLUM"!

Today's programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition: Hi-Jack an airliner and win a council house. We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor, the British taxpayer. And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet. Anyone can play, provided they don't hold a valid British passport. You only need one word of English: "ASYLUM"!

Prizes include all-expenses paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at: £180 a week - and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights.

This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar. No application ever refused, reasonable or un-reasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password: "ASYLUM"!

Only this week 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fastrack them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.

They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain. Our most popular destinations include the White Cliffs of Dover, the world famous Toddington Services area in Historic Bedfordshire and the money trees at Croydon.  If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience, just apply for legal aid.  Hundreds of lawyer’s, social workers and counselors are waiting to help; it won't cost you a penny.

So... play today. It could change you life forever.  Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas.

COME ON DOWN!!  Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to the ferry terminal.  Don't stop in Germany or France.  Go Straight to Britain.  And you are guaranteed to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on earth.  Roll up; roll up my friends for the game that never ends.

Everyone's a winner, when they play ASYLUM!