Capricorn

22nd Dec - 20th Jan

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You fear people and relationships. You are basically chickenshit. Sincerity has never been a Capricorn trait of any importance. Most Capricorns prefer rubber dolls to people. You should kill yourself.

Aquarius

21st Jan - 19th Feb

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking idiot.

Pisces

20th Feb - 20th Mar

You have a vivid imagination and think that you are being followed by the FBI, CIA and KGB. You have some minor influence over your friends and people resent you. You lack confidence and are a cowardly asshole. Pisces people screw sheep and have bad breath.

Aries

21st Mar - 20th Apr

You are the pioneering type and hold other people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You seldom think others are good enough for you. You are a prick and you masturbate a lot.

Taurus

21st Apr - 21st May

You are practical and persistent. You think you are determined and hard working. Other people think you are stubborn and pig-headed. You bulldoze your way through others� feelings without giving a shit. You are nothing but a goddamn communist. You have an intense love of whips and chains.

Gemini

22nd May- 22nd Jun

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. Lots of people like you, probably because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a selfish bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on lies and gargling with douche.

Cancer

23rd Jun - 23rd Jul

You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples� problems. Everyone thinks you are a sucker. You are always putting things off, which is why you will always be on welfare and why you will never be worth a shit. Most people born under this sign are frigid.

Leo

24th Jul - 23rd Aug

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are just plain pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and get their kicks from kissing mirrors and sniffing bicycle seats.

Virgo

24th Aug - 23rd Sep

You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking sickens your friends. You are cold and unemotional. You often fall asleep on the job. Virgos make good garbage collectors and pimps, but that is about it. Virgos are the kind of scumbags that have gotten scumbags the reputation they deserve.

Libra

24th Sep - 23rd Oct

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. On the plus side chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent because you are a natural con artist. If male you are probably a queer. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio

24th Oct - 22nd Nov

You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will probably achieve great success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son of a bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. These are invariably found to be justifiable homicides. Scorpio women give good head because they have no morals. They give good ass for the same reason.

Sagittarius

23rd Nov - 21st Dec

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a tendency to rely on luck, mainly because you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or pot heads. You are most likely impotent. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting screwed.