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The Liverpool Olympic Bid
We have recently received secret documentation regarding Liverpool
making a shock bid to host the year 2008 Olympic Games. In an attempt to
influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their
choice of venues for the games in the year 2008, the organisers of
Liverpool's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of their
own. A copy has been leaked and is
reproduced below.
Opening Ceremony - A petrol bomb, thrown into the arena by a native of the
Toxteth area, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava,
baseball cap and shell suit
will ignite the Olympic flame. It will burn for
the duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the
stadium.
The Events - In previous Olympics Liverpool's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes
100 Metres Sprint
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one
under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be
released 10 metres behind the athletes.
110 Metres Hurdles
As above but with added obstacles, i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens,
fences, walls etc.
Hammer
The competitors are allowed the choice of hammer (Claw, Sledge, etc.). The
winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to
members of the public within their allotted time.
Weightlifting
From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods
placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these items must be
taken through a shop door and placed in a mate's van.
Fencing
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible
within five minutes.
Shooting
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event.
A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability
over a range of disciplines.
The targets are to be as follows:
A Moving Police Van
A Post Office Clerk
A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver
Their next door neighbour's youngest child.
The Local Vicar
NB the 4th target to be followed by the ritual cry of "I thought he was a
Bizzy" or "He pulled a knife on me"
Boxing
Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on
every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be given 15
pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
gets home. The bout will then commence.
Cycling Time Trials
Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed
and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the
country on his first trip away from home against the clock.
Cycling Pursuit
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the New
Zealand rugby team, who will witness the theft.
Time Trial
The competitor who can waste the most of the courts valuable time before
being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.
Modern Pentathlon
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and
arson.
Relay
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a
house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four
different stolen cars.
Archery
Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person
who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.
Discus
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw
it to his mate in the fastest time.
In addition the following exhibition events designed at promoting the
local culture will be introduced.
Pillow Eating
The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18
stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.
Graffiti
To be decided on whom can spray the most obscenities on a neighbours wall
in five minutes. NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks
will not be deducted for spelling mistakes.
Baseball
Each competitor will be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last
person-standing wins.
The Marathon
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued
with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round
the course.
Swimming
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge on the Mersey. The first three
survivors back, will decide the medals.
Mens 50Km Walk
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.
Closing Ceremony
In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors
will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals. They will
then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial
ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign
of the lad who charged two quid to look after their motor.
Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and
sound as their shell suits converge.
The Olympic Flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight
Scallys forming a circle and urinating on it. The closing speech will
consist of the words "everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know"
and no one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium
and will return home to find their wallet missing.
The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into
it.
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