"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mothers maiden name.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."