ONE BORING AFTERNOON, Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade when his telephone rang. "Hello Mr. Hussein,” a heavily accented voice says.

"This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replies "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moment’s calculation "There is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub - That makes 8!"

Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word"

"Oh shit" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm"

Once more Saddam sighs and says, "I must tell you Paddy that I have 16 thousand tanks, 2 thousand mine layers, 14 thousand armoured cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke"

"I'll be damned!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back"

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

"Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've kitted out old Ted's crop sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Once more Saddam sighs and says, "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers and 20 thousand Mig 109 high maneuverability attack planes and my military complex is surrounded by laser Guided surface to air missile sites and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Oh bollocks" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back"

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

"Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war"

"I'm very sorry to hear that,” says Saddam "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy "We’ve all had a chat and there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners"