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Sex Life of the Scottish Male
New research has given an
enlightening insight in to the sex life of the Scottish male.
PREPARATION:
Friday night is very much love night for the Scottish man. Arriving back
from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac of
12 pints of beer, a white pudding supper and three pickled onions - his
mind is set on one thing - LOVE! Or as he says romantically to himself, "
Ma nookie". His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a
hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with
gentle words of passion, "Any chance a' ma hole?" The good lady in
question, perhaps over-excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the
sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first
somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious
reply, "Awaity fook ya bam."
FOREPLAY:
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male
casting off his lightly soiled Y-fronts provocatively at his wife, usually
landing skidmark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient
Gaelic fertility chant, "Here we go, here we go, here we go." Upon
reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8-incher. This is a
classic example of alcohol-induced double vision.
INITIAL PROBLEMS:
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's wee Willie is a trifle reluctant to
extend itself. Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self-esteem and
the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words
of encouragement such as, " Ya useless bastard," or possibly, " It ne'er
happens tae ra milkman."
DOWN TO BUSINESS:
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again,
alcohol-induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides
which of his Willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement
he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation, a phenomenon he explains
to his wife using the poetic phrase, "Fook me, I've shot ma load." If this
does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by
uttering tender and loving compliments such as perhaps informing her she's
the nicest
woman he's ever come across.
An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that a woman
likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as- "Shite, arsehole." The
woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a
kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts.
The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters
a word of encouragement such as, "Are ye sure it's in?" Given his level of
sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover
specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless
shout, "Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man!" Eventually, it's all over. The man
rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie, falls asleep, and commences
snoring like a pig.
There's no-one in the world performs quite like a Scotsman - a veritable
prince in the kingdom of Sex.
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