Gentlemen, start your pens...

Time allowed 3 hrs

Attempt all questions. If you do not know the answer to a particular question, attempt to look at someone else's paper by knocking your biro onto the floor and having a shufty while you lean over to retrieve it.

You are allowed one visit to the toilet to look at the answers you wrote on the wall yesterday. After ten minutes, request more paper to frighten the other candidates into thinking that you must have written loads.

Attempt to introduce the one or two facts you are reasonably sure of into the answers to every question. At 4.30 exactly, everybody cough to make the invigilator jump.

With three minutes to go, suddenly realise there are four more questions on the back of the page that you haven't spotted.

Section A (50%)

1. Explain why the best women's football team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and ten of your mates.

Include in your answer:

a) Why they are unable to kick a ball straight.
b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the bath after the match, though.


2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs. Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for recreational purposes.


3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.


4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at your mate's house while his parents were away for the weekend.

a) Sex Boat.
b) Three Into One Will Go.
c) King Dong.
d) Speared by Zulu Lovers.


5. Women drivers, eh? Discuss.


Section B (50%)

1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What apparatus would you require? What risks would you run in lighting such a fart, and what are the benefits?
Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a pub with a match.


2. Name something a woman has invented.


3. On average, women live seven years longer than men yet get their pension five years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor grandad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired.


4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini Diablo and the Ferrari Testarossa without ever having seen, let alone driven, either.


5. Discuss the philosophical implications of this question:

If a man speaks in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?