This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the
tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." * Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex?   "No!  Me neither." * Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge.  If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."  * Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." * Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." * Lynn Lavner

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." * George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." * Sharon Stone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." * Jack Nicholson

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." * Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." * Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." * Robert De Niro .

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What's the best thing about lying in bed?
A. When she actually believes you.

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What do women and prawns have in common?
A. Their heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie,” only you do it yourself!!

Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows

Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.

Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
A: They both capture the moment.

Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car

Q. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
A. Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!"

What's the similarity between getting a blow job from an eighty year-old and walking the tightrope?
In both cases you really don't want to look down.

What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?
Strapadictomy.

Two condoms walk past a gay bar.
One of them says to the other, "Hey, whaddya say we go in there and get shit-faced?"

What's the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes peace and quiet.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?
One got his head blown off and the other was assassinated!

Question: What do you call a gay man's scrotum?
Answer: Mud flaps!

Question: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Answer: Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper!

What did the Dick say to the condom?
"Cover me. I'm going in..."

What's the difference between your dick and your paycheck?
You never have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Question: What is the most popular pick up line in a gay bar?
Answer: Can I push your stool in?

What's the difference between a computer and a woman?
A computer will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy!

There was two sperm swimming down a tube and one says to the other,
"When do we hit the uterus?"
The other one says, "The uterus? First we have to get down the esophagus!"

What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
Full!

What do you call a 300 pound woman with a yeast infection?
A whopper with cheese!

Question: What's the similarity between brussel sprouts and pubic hair?
Answer: You push them aside and keep on eating!

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile-up!

Know how to get your wife to scream when it is time to orgasm?
Call her up and tell her where you are!

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support people are going to think we're nuts!

Why do bald men have holes in their pockets?
So they can run their hands through hair!

Why is popeye's dick so soft and smooth?
Because he keeps it in olive oyl!

Newsflash:
The wife of snooker champion, Steve Davies, is suing him for divorce.
In A statement made earlier today Mrs. Davies said,
" Our sex life has become intolerable, Steve can never make his mind up whether to go in for the easy pink or screw back for the tight brown".
................................................................................................................Reuters.

If all the women in Harrogate were laid end to end, it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest.

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells: "Super Pussy!"

The old man says: "I'll have the soup."

Q. What's the difference between condoms and coffins?
A. They both hold something stiff but one's coming and one's going!