1. Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights & darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3 . Look at womanly physique in mirror & stick out gut so that you can complain & whine even more about how fat you're getting.

4. Get in shower, look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash hair once with Cucumber & Lamfrey shampoo (with 83 added vitamins).

6. Wash hair again with Cucumber & Lamfrey shampoo (with 83 added vitamins).

7. Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner (enhanced with natural crocus oil). Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

9. Wash entire body with Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it all comes out).

11. Shave armpits & legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you lose water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower, dry with towel the size of a small African country, wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit and attack with nails/tweezers if found.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.